Bush : "We're Making Good Progress in Iraq"

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Bush, Inspired by John Paul II, Calls for "New American Revolution"

US President George W. Bush, inspired by the life and works of the late Roman Catholic Pontiff, John Paul II, has called for sweeping changes in the American political, economic, military, and social services systems. "John Paul II was a man who served the Lord, and we want an America that serves the Lord, too," the President said last night from his ranch in Crawford, Texas. "We'll have to change some things around here to do this--we'll need a new American Revolution. It'll be hard work, but we're going to get the job done."

The President, while admitting that his "conversion" was rather late in coming and consequently he had not had time to sufficiently think out specific policy initiatives that would help to create a true "culture of life," still had several areas that he said would form the basis of future proposals. They include:

• Fundamental reforms in not just American, but global capitalism, to guarantee against the exploitation of labor and resources in the (predominantly Islamic) developing world;
• Stricter regulation on the mass media to guarantee points of view divergent from the capitalist mainstream, including mandatory, non-commercial news services for the promotion of reasoned political discourse, and the tightening of controls on commercial advertising which promote materialism;
• A "preferential option" for the poor and needy in society, because, as the President said, "if government doesn't provide for the weakest among us, who will? General Electric?"
• A Constitutional amendment to abolish forever the death penalty, except in cases (as it says in the Catholic Catechism) where society does not possibly have "the means of effectively suppressing crime by rendering criminals harmless without definitively denying them the chance to reform." This would be only the most egregious of Federal offenses, such as the mass murder of 3,000 Americans on Spetember 11, 2001.
• A Federal ban on assault weapons, the licensing and regulation of handguns and gun owners, and the classification by the State Department of the National Rifle Association as a "terrorist organization."
• The immediate end of war in Iraq, removal of American troops, and release of political prisoners not actually charged with any crimes.

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In other news, Vice President Dick Cheney suffered another heart attack shortly after the President's announcement.

Bush : Dead Iraqis Better Off Now Than Under Saddam

"They're much freer than before..."

"Now, if only they'd accepted the Lord as their savior, they wouldn't all be burning in hell."

Bush Calls Pope a "Nice Feller"

Pledges to Promote "Culture of Life" for Wealthy folks

But doesn't understand why he's so upset about killin' "e-vil-do-ers."